Monday, April 20, 2009

breathe and run

I was exchanging emails this evening with Suzanne Edison, whose daughter Flora also has JM. We met at the event in Carlsbad - I vividly remember seeing Suzanne and Flora cheering on Mamajoggers at, I don't know, mile 8-ish of the race. A part of the course where there weren't many spectators, and no other Cure JM folks. They were like a breath of fresh air at that moment when the 5 remaining miles of the race seemed waaaay too long.

Anyhow, I mentioned to her that despite the fact that everything seems to be going well for Mielle, the upcoming Chicago visit has me feeling pretty anxious. Her reply took my breath away, because it so precisely captured the muddle of feelings that I'm experiencing right at this very moment:

"Of course. It is so damn hard. The not knowing, the anticipation, the hope, the not wanting to go into despair, not wanting to be TOO hopeful either because falling off the "Hope Wagon" is awful. It is hard to find any place to rest. I think the Buddhists want us to find that middle ground where we hold suffering and joy as equal. But I am not very evolved.

breathe and run, I guess that's the best we can do for now."

Wow. Wow. She really, really nailed it. It certainly is hard to find any place to rest in all this. I am afraid of being too hopeful, and simultaneously afraid of falling into despair. Clearly, I am also not very evolved...

But I continue to breathe and run, breathe and run, breathe and run....

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